Welcome to Day 5 of the October Open Write. A big thank you to Anna J. Small Roseboro, Carolina Lopez, Denise Hill, and today’s host, Scott McCloskey. We hope you join us tomorrow for National Day on Writing! learn more about the Open Write, click here.
Contrary to what I’ve learned from studying countless poet bios, lo these many years, I’ve decided that in order to be really successful, really top shelf, as it were, (although I do find that I can’t hold a candle up to the other poets’ bios you’ve, undoubtedly, read here) is to use as many cliches and meanderings – the more archaic the better – to spice up my “letter of introduction” (circa the 18th century) for today’s Open Write. Also, it is important to cultivate an air of mystery as well: turtle wax.
Oh, I’m Scott, by the by. I forgot to mention that. High school and college English teacher for over twenty-five years.
Inspiration
Every year when I read Hamlet with my seniors, we always spend a bit of time with Polonius’s advice to his son, Laertes. I’d like to do something like that for today’s Open Write. I’d like you to offer “advice” to your fellow poets, your students, other teachers, or, really, anyone (and everyone?) you interact with in your professional or personal lives. Hey, you can even give advice to animals or non-living objects. It’s totally up to you! So, let’s write some “advice” poems.
BUT WAIT! There’s a catch – a small caveat, if you will – like my poet bio above, I’d like you to only give “bad” advice. Only wrong answers here! (Now, I realize advice can be “good” or “bad” depending on who/what is receiving (or giving) the advice, but let’s not get caught up in the semantics of it all. Or do. It’s up to you. You’ll, surely note, that I even “break” the rules a bit in my mentor poem by giving some actual good advice intermixed with the “bad.”)
Process
Now, I couldn’t really find any “Bad Advice Poems” from, you know, like, professional poets, so here are three excellent “Good Advice Poems.” Just do the opposite of them. (See? Giving bad advice is easy!)
Ada Limon’s “Instructions on Not Giving Up” https://poets.org/poem/instructions-not-giving
Dan Gerber’s “Advice” https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/56510/advice-56d23913a292a
Shane Koyczan “Instructions for a Bad Day” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VXfzKAv8ea4
Scott’s Poem
Never kiss
a lemur
full on the
lips
or lend them
money;
shake hands
with a bear,
though. Offer
it your coat
and pants;
modesty does
exist, even in
the animal
kingdom,
despite what
Paddington
or Pooh or
Yogi would have
you believe.
They would,
absolutely,
wear your
second-hand
pants.
Avoid congress
with panthers
or cheetahs
or any of the
other big
cats; lions,
however,
are ok
(unless they
have a scar
and are named
Scar).
To be honest,
though, you should
avoid congress
altogether
(you don’t need
any more old white
dudes up in your
business).
And, seriously,
I’m not kidding
about the lemurs.
They will return
your car with
an empty
gas tank.
Every. Time.
Now, I know
free advice
is worth what
you pay for it,
but ignore these
words at your
peril.
Your Turn
Now, scroll to the comment section below to write your own poem. (This is a public space, so you may choose to use only your first name or initials depending on your privacy preferences.) Not ready? That’s okay. Read the poems already posted for more inspiration. Ponder your own throughout the day. Return later. And, if the prompt does not work for you, that is fine. All writing is welcome. Just write something. Also, please be sure to respond to at least three writers. Oh, and a note about drafting: Since we are writing in short bursts, we all understand (and even welcome) the typos and partial poems that remind us we are human and that writing is always becoming. If you’d like to invite other teachers to write with us, tell them to subscribe.
I finally got a chance to work this and this was fun! Such a great way to relax after a hectic day. Scott, thank you for hosting! I love the examples: Yogi and Scar references were very nostalgic. I just have a question: Can we put congress and Scar in the same room? How about cheetahs, but not Chester. And let’s resurrect The Black Panther so he can show them diplomacy…RIP Chadwick Boseman. ❤️
Here’s my poem:
How to Make New Friends Disappear
Talk about how their right ear is slightly
larger than their left one.
Speak loudly over them and interrupt them
by talking about yourself.
When they roll their eyes, just remember
that’s the new nonverbal signal for
“Keep talking”.
Then point out how their left eye goes toward their nose
a little.
Burp in their presence AND fart
in their car.
When they laugh uncomfortably,
you’re doing a great job.
Don’t forget
to talk about yourself and keep repeating
the same things
over and over.
Be critical of their clothing and question
every idea.
When they finally are fed up
with your shenanigans and you’re alone….
Congratulations,
you have successfully made a new friend
disappear!
When you encounter the next stranger,
Repeat!
This is both hilarious and sad, Jessica, but sad/funny. I can just see this happening to some cartoonish character, like a children’s book of movie for teaching good manners. I have to add that the “in their car” for the fart scene was a nice touch – a place they can’t escape. Glad you were able to squeeze in the poems this month! You deserve this time!
Thank you Denise, I was having mixed emotions I guess.
Jessica, this had me smiling throughout! So funny. Being hypercritical — and vocal — of your friends’ clothing and facial features is such a bad idea! Lol. And the idea that one would “Burp in their presence AND fart / in their car” is hilarious. Thanks for the laughter this morning!
You’re welcome Scott. I need to share this one with my students, lol!
“. . . and fart in their car.” I love that. Here’s one thing I love about reading writing that speaks to my heart: I find myself thinking “why didn’t I write that – I have experienced that.” I’m thinking those things as I read your poem. Thanks for connecting with me.
Ahhh Lezley! Yes, I find myself doing that as well. Thank you for reading!
Thanks, Scott. What crazy fun your poem is, and all the others. I have read so many, but haven’t stopped to comment on all of them. I laughed so much! Thanks!
How to Not Deal
Burn all your candles on both ends (at the same time, of course).
Don’t ever stop to journal, write, think, or pray.
Play loud music, while watching a scary movie on Netflix.
If anyone asks how you are–how you really are–don’t tell them.
Or, you can say, “fine” (that’s safe).
Eat the whole package of coconut caramel dreams.
Smoke a pack or two of cigarettes.
Blame others, it’s all their fault anyway.
Denise, I’m guilty of this:
“Or, you can say, “fine” (that’s safe).
Eat the whole package of coconut caramel dreams.”
In my case, it’s Fudge Grahams. That’s the best way of how not to deal. I’m laughing at blaming others because, why not? Thank you for sharing!
Denise,
Wow! You hit several of my anti-self care habits. Yikes! I love how you’ve turned the bad advice into a laundry list of how we sometimes use bad habits to try and relax.
This is definitely me at various stages of my life (and maturity)! Lots easier to just shut the world out sometimes than it is “to deal” with it. I might still use one of these from time to time, but not without full-on awareness of what I am doing and accepting that sometimes, it’s okay to not deal. : ) But – man! – missing journaling – my life would have to be really discombobulated. That’s the most extreme one for me!
LOL, Denise! Yep, this is a whole list of bad advice! Aside from maybe the “Eat the whole package of coconut caramel dreams.” Those sound delicious! And aren’t “serving sizes” — notice my use of quotes — just a suggestion anyways? 🙂 Thanks for this!
“Blame others, it’s all their fault anyway.” My mantra for today. Thanks for making me smile and think.
Scott, your poem sure gave me a laugh. I love how you end with some ironic advice to heed your words haha! I made mine cheesy tonight 🙂
“Don’t smile before Christmas”
we have all heard that advice.
I think each professor told me
once, twice, or even thrice!
I was told to offer a misbehaving
student as a “sacrificial lamb”,
but the high schoolers actually
don’t really give a damn!
As a young woman in charge
of hundreds of high school kids,
I realized the advice
was an absolute fib.
Even if it was only September
and Christmas wouldn’t be for a while,
I learned my my style very quickly:
simply be myself and give a big smile!
Rachelle,
My methods teacher was a nun, and though she never said this, she modeled it. Like you, it never worked for me either. Cold as Christmas, indeed! Bold of you to create a fun bouncy rhyme–so cool!
Rachelle,
What fun bad advice. Big smile is a great thing g to share.
Ohh! Absolutely, Rachelle! I can’t believe how many behaviors I had adopted because I had witnessed them in other teachers or had been told it was the “safest” way – and it’s total rubbish. This is a poem to share with new teachers everywhere!
Rachelle, Yes! This is truth. I never understood that “advice” either (which I received, too). And the “‘sacrificial lamb'” thing by making someone “an example” is also so bizarre! Thanks for writing and sharing this!
Rachelle, I am so glad I happened back upon your poem (two days later). I hope you find my comment. I LOVED your use of “sacrificial lamb”: our lambs! our lambs! We should not sacrifice a one.
I love your sentiment in this poem, and your heart.
Nice — love both the sentiment and the rhyme!
Thank you, Scott, for letting us to be “bad.”Your prompt and poem inspired so much fun here today. I enjoyed reading and kept smiling.
After an intense day at work, my brain is fried, so I just played with words a bit.
Grab a cup of coffee,
Get that slice of pie,
Turn away from blue screen,
Don’t you even try!
Too much work is danger
For a healthy brain,
Let me praise you, stranger,
Leading party train.
Leilya, fun! I love your word play here. The rhyming is delicious. Yes, too much work is a danger! Hope you can relax for a while.
Lol! Thank you for “play[ing] with words a bit” tonight (especially after an “intense” day). Your wordplay is definitely appreciated, Leilya! Rest and relax after the long day. Have some coffee (decaf at this hour 🙂 ). Have some pie. “Turn away from [the] blue screen.” Sounds like great advice to me!
Leilya, thank you for this gift and some sound advice to me too! Enjoy your night and I hope you get some restful sleep!
Leilya, I’m coming aboard the party train! Too much work is dangerous! Thank you for the reminder that adults can have fun as well.
Leilya, loved your rhyme!
Oh my goodness! Scott, you are a hoot! Thank you for a fun mentor poem and a prompt that allowed me to do something I never ever thought I’d do! I had fun writing my bad advice that is ALL of what I did as a young woman.
How to Live Happily Ever After and 13 is Good Luck
1- Get married before you’re ready because tomorrow isn’t promised.
2- Don’t align your goals with his because everyone is different.
3- Ignore the red flags because that’s being superstitious.
4- Tell your mother she will learn to love him because he is charming.
5- Don’t believe the rumors you hear about him because gossip is sinful.
6- Start teaching and have two children because that’s what your mom did.
7- Work three jobs when he won’t work one because he’s finding his passion.
8- Fight and cry when you don’t get along because marriage is worth fighting for, isn’t it?
9- When he snores all night, sleep in another room because he can’t help it.
10- When his breath reeks, don’t breathe because it makes you sick.
11- When you despise him, do more for him than for yourself because that’s unconditional love.
12- When you’re ready for divorce do it yourself because you can’t afford a lawyer.
13- When you’re single after 29 years of wedded bliss, get married as soon as possible.
© Stacey L. Joy, October 19, 2022
Stacey, Stacey! 1-6, 8, and 11. High five! You slam dunked this one. It’s powerful truth, it’s owning the misconceptions we have had, and most of all – it’s proving that you are wise to all of it now. When I hear the words “writing close to the bone,” this is it. Right here. It doesn’t get more real than this.
Stacey, powerful list here. Number 7 has me completely furious. It’s amazing how we will continue trying to believe in someone and ideas that are harmful. Kick ass poem!
Just one of these, and perhaps a good marriage you could make…but wow, the totality of it all! #8 is the one that hits me hard – we all want to give our all to the marriage. How do you know when enough is enough? Thanks for being so honest in your ‘bad advice.’
Stacey, thank you for your sincerity! Your genuine (and kind) voice constantly and consistently shines through in your poetry and your comments here so much so that the further down this list I went, the more dismayed I became knowing that you experienced these as actual lived truths to know how terrible they really were/are. (Thank you for writing and sharing with us tonight!)
Thank you, Scott, for giving me this space tonight. I am grateful to be free of that awful life I once lived. Divorce gave me life, love, peace, and JOY!
Stacey–what a list! So glad you had the temerity to get to number 12. As women, we have been trained to believe so many of those pieces of bad advice. This could be a tutorial for all young women…
Stacey, thank you for this poem! I am sorry you had to learn these lessons, but happy you are strong enough to leave pain and struggles in the past! Peace ❤️
Stacey,
It sounds like you and I have a very similar history. It is amazing how well you capture the choices we make when we are trying to do “what we should.” Your poem makes me feel seen in a good way. Thank you!
Stacey, thank you for sharing your truth tonight. I really am in awe by it all, and holistically I think it’s clever and powerful that you chose thirteen pieces of advice. My dad has reclaimed the number 13 as his favorite number, and maybe it can be reclaimed here too.
Ohhh…this is wonderful and sad. Loved it.
Scott, I LOVE your poem–what a wonderful way to start my day–with a grand giggle! I didn’t get my poem written until later, but the day provided some material. Honestly, I love my students and they’re great. No really.
Be sure that when you turn in your work
do it late,
never on time.
It’s best to make the teacher wait,
really build up their anticipation for your work,
you know?
Also,
if the teacher asks for 500-800 words,
it is best to write at least 1000,
or 300,
your choice,
but avoid the limit at both ends.
If you’re asked to double space,
put two spaces between each word–
because that’s what double spacing is,
right?
When you’re sitting in class,
this is a great opportunity to create art,
right there on the desk,
preferably in permanent marker.
Those desks like jungle gyms?
Sit in them however you’d like.
Legs draped over the desktop,
or your bum on the top,
back to the teacher,
focus on your friends.
Really,
no matter the subject,
take from them only what you want
and ignore the rest.
You are the world,
they’ll wait for you to arrive.
Cara, this is delightful to read! Double spacing!! Ha! And they’ll wait for you to arrive is just a perfect ending!
The double spacing thing is a true story–I had no less than eight kids meticulously going through and adding spaces between words before I realized and corrected them. They were shocked there was another way to double space. (Insert painful eyeroll here.)
Oh, this is heartbreaking as well as teacher-soul-crushing! How often do we thing what we are saying is crystal clear?!
Cara, This is so funny! And so so true. The whole word count thing? “But I wrote 1,000 words even though you only asked for 500. That’s an “A,” right?” Uhm, it doesn’t quite work like that… And the “Legs draped over the desktop” seating always makes me a bit uneasy (and, truth be told, a bit jealous, too). I was going to lie and say that I was once that flexible, but I don’t think I ever was. Lol. Thanks for writing and sharing this!
I appreciate teaching preschoolers, imagining these “desks like jungle gyms” – ugh! Oh my, you have really created a visual here. It is by no means only students who feel this:
I laugh and I cry at your words. Well done, Cara!!
Cara!!! I think the new issues we are all having range from …
to…
I never would’ve imagined the world would come to this but your bad advice is REALITY!
?? ?? ??
“Really build up their anticipation for your work,
you know?” This–and the double spacing!!!! How many times have ai had to explain what that really means??!! I needed this laugh tonight–even if it IS real, and not made up! But you got it in under the deadline, so that’s something, right???
This is funny but sadly has so much truth in it. You have refreshed my memory with the antics of students and the times when I, as a teacher, wondered and said “where is your brain?”
I really like
“If you’re asked to double space,
put two spaces between each word–
because that’s what double spacing is,
right? “
Cara, this is just way too clever. This is the poem I wish I would have written. You had me glued to your piece just from the first few lines. As we get closer to the end of the grading period, I’m noticing more late work getting turned in. It’ll be really fun next week :). Thank you for this gift; I was laughing!
Cara,
Thank you for the chuckle. I can totally visualize a few of your students sitting on desks facing the wrong direction!! As for art work on the desk, you and I have seen very creative art work in books.
Thank you for sharing
I marked this as my favorite line: “When you’re sitting in class,
this is a great opportunity to create art,
right there on the desk,
preferably in permanent marker.”
But then I read your final two lines! “You are the world,
they’ll wait for you to arrive.” BAM! so good!
Scott — This prompt was so much fun!!
The Whole World is Going to Hell
Whoever said “two wrongs don’t make a right” was delusional.
Sometimes the second wrong feels JUST right!
Who cares if an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind?
The world is going to hell in a handbasket, anyways.
So you might as well spend all the money you don’t have,
Say anything you want, even if it isn’t nice,
Be the one to START and END the fight,
Because not everything happens for a reason, there is no divine plan
Sometimes life is just a steaming pile of horse s****!
Because the whole world is going to hell in a handbasket!
Tammi, this is the poem I wanted to write today, but I just couldn’t figure it out. I’m so glad you did. This one made me laugh!
My favorite line: who cares if an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind?
love it all, but that made me stop and think and wonder.
“Be the one to START and END the fight” – boy, this sums up life these days. Ugh. You’ve really captured current events!! “The Whole World is Going to Hell”
Yep, a perfect recipe for disaster, Tammi! “So you might as well spend all the money you don’t have, / Say anything you want, even if it isn’t nice” wraps up the past several years nicely (and by that I mean, of course, terribly because there have, indeed, been days where it does seem like “The world is going to hell in a handbasket.”) Thank you for adding to the fun today by writing and sharing your poem!
Bend
By Mo Daley 10/19/22
Follow the rules to the letter
If not, you’ll never be better
The rules should not bend—
The rules are your friend
Rules, we must always follow
Or in sorrow we’ll wallow
The rules are there to protect
And help us be more correct
People will always admire us
And no one will be above us
If we only follow the rules
As is we were simpering fools
Mo, love your poem and your clever use of rhyme. Simpering fools says it all!
Yes, “simpering fools.” I love the placement of these two words at the very end, inviting the unspoken question, who are the real fools? – the ones who don’t follow the rules or the ones who do? Very clever rhyming, Mo!!
I will never be guilty of simpering, I’m afraid. But what a wonderful word that is!! I plan on inserting it in conversation tomorrow…
Ugh. Just saw my typo in the last line!
Mo, this is the question, isn’t it? Which “rules” do we follow (and which ones should we)? And which “rules” are merely just “suggestions”? (Hamlet’s line comes to mind: “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”) Thanks for the offering tonight!
Scott, I delighted in your bad advice poetry – particularly the play on the word “congress.” I tried all day long to imagine a humorous bad advice poem, to keep in the spirit of your fun poem. I did spend the day with a two year old, and learned the hard way that a blue plate is nowhere near as good as a red plate, when a toddler is tired. I will work on a fun poem from this little one’s perspective. For now, I wrote about bad advice I seem to attract –
I appreciate that.
tantalizing display
mini chocolate mousse cakes
petits fours hazelnut ganache
the dessert table overflowed with delight
and you cheerily noted
you certainly don’t need any of that, right?
I appreciated that.
my first baby in my arms
body wobbly with laborious love
so many parts of me in new locations
and you sent sweet congratulations
with a newspaper clipping, five easy steps
to take off new baby weight.
I appreciated that.
I kind of lost track of me
in the midst of caregiving
projects deadlines mourning
this sense of overwhelm
I knew you’d understand
and you said, what if you
got up earlier and exercised?
I appreciated that.
right
right
right
I’d never thought of any of this.
I appreciate your advice.
not.
Maureen,
Nailed it! This *good advice* delivered at the most untimely moment, epitomizes bad advice. Perfect!
Maureen, yes! I love the sarcastic sentiments here, and can say I have felt that way on so many occasions. Now I may just have the words to express my gratitude to such advice through clenched teeth – I appreciate that. You nailed it!
Maureen, this is spot-on and so hurtful to even read. I love that you took on a different perspective because Lord knows we’ve all been recipients of bad advice. I hope you don’t get this kind of advice from anyone EVER again.
Every mother’s heart is here!
“I appreciated that.” This phrase–“this sense of overwhelm”–is perfection. I remember it so well, after all these years…
Oh, no. This is the worst, Maureen! (The “content” not the “crafting” of your poem. 🙂 ) “W]ith a newspaper clipping, five easy steps / to take off new baby weight” or “what if you / got up earlier and exercised?” Ugh. I can’t believe this happens. And yet I know it does. It seems like sometimes people just can’t “read the room.” And I loved that your “I appreciate your advice” had the “Bless Your Heart” vibes to it! Thanks for this!
Thank you, Scott for this funny prompt. I listened to a podcast this morning to help me. It’s called “Old Coots Giving Bad Advice.” Also many thanks to Anna, Carolina and Denise.
Finding Your Future Spouse
Date two people at the same time.
it’s like viewing two movies at once.
You can meet at church,
drop an ice cream scoop on that special person’s lap,
or join the Hell’s Angels.
If you have a cold before a date
get rid of it by eating lots of garlic
and stomping your feet
while rubbing lemon and onion on your chest.
Then go out. You’ll feel better.
Always give excuses every time you can’t attend an event.
Make one up if you have to.
Buy a new car so you can get all the bells and whistles.
Take out a ten year loan.
Maybe it’s easier to steal a car
but first make sure it drives fast.
Stayed up late after that special night?
Wear a Lucha Libre mask
so the puppy won’t lick your face
and tell you it’s time to get up.
I signed on just in time to get a good laugh! Talk about bad advice! 🙂 Thanks, I think, Susan.
If you have a cold before a date
get rid of it by eating lots of garlic
and stomping your feet
while rubbing lemon and onion on your chest.
Then go out. You’ll feel better.
This is WONDERFUL! So many bad ideas!!!
Susan, that analogy right at the beginning had me laughing. The garlic and lemon and onion? Howling…..this is hilarious!
So many laughs here! That two line opener though, that was hysterical! I knew I was in for a ride. This is the writing spirit I wish I had had, as I worked with this prompt… Love love love “but first make sure it drives fast” as good advice when stealing a car; very funny.
Susan — Your poem really had me laughing right from the first stanza: “Date two people at the same time.
it’s like viewing two movies at once.”
Also loved the advice on getting rid of the cold.
Susan,
My mind is really struggling to grasp good and bad advice, to navigate tone in these poems. I am just enjoying the craft and cleverness of it all– in these lines especially “easier to steal a car” and “while rubbing lemon and onion on your chest.”
Thank you for this!
Sarah
Susan, I barked out a laugh at your last stanza! It was so funny and unexpected. Yes, of course, why wouldn’t one wear a Lucha Libre mask to sleep to avoid getting licked awake by the puppy? I also really liked “Maybe it’s easier to steal a car / but first make sure it drives fast.” This seems to be sound, reasonable advice to me! Lol. Thanks for writing and sharing with us tonight!
“Always give excuses every time you can’t attend and event./Make one up if you have to.” Come on. Everyone who read this thought of that one person, right? 🙂
Thanks for making me smile and think.
Scott,
I smiled instantly when I saw that today’s inspiration was being supplied by you. And you didn’t fail. I failed, but you didn’t. There are so many wonderful, funny poems that are the output for your great prompt.
I love how you brought in the notable beloved bears, btw!
Mine is lame. I am not in a witty mood today. 🙁
SitCom Sages
Mike Brady told our generation
to “never go to bed angry”
Good advice?
Nah.
Sometimes,
I go to bed angry
and I wake up and realize
that what I was worked up
over
was silly, insignificant,
meaningless
and I apologize
or at the very least
I don’t ever even mention
what was irking me.
Had I listened to
the ultimate dad,
I would have forced
the issue before
retiring
and likely the rub
would have escalated.
Sleep would have been delayed
and the trivial
situation
would become much more.
I bet Alice
would have advised
“Sleep on it”
~Susan Ahlbrand
19 October 2022
Thank you, Susan! Your poem is not lame; it’s real. I like that you understand what a proper way is but choose to react as you feel. i wish we could all follow Alice’s “sleep on it.”
Susan–spot on! There is no best time, and I have often coped just as you do!
Susan — I have often ignore that advice as well too. We are only human. Sometimes sleep really is the best remedy for anger.
Susan,
Thank you so much for this bad advice. I am struggling a bit as to how to respond today — I want to say that I like the bad advice, and I want to go to bed angry so that I can calm down. I hope that is the message because the “sleep on it” does seem more reasonable sometimes.
Peace,
Sarah
Susan, this is exactly right for today’s prompt! And I think you’re absolutely right to avoid Mike Brady’s advice. He often would give “good advice” in the show that would, in all actuality, be pretty bad advice. (And wasn’t he the one who wanted to get rid of Tiger — because Jan was supposedly allergic to him? They didn’t even check the flea powder first to see if that was the cause. Come on. Rookie mistake…..wait, I’ve just realized I know way too much about the Brady Bunch…) Anyways, thank you for writing and sharing with us even though you weren’t feeling particularly “witty today.” I really enjoyed your poem!
Susan, I agree. Mike ain’t got nothin’ on Alice. Alice is spot on.
Susan,
I love this because I once believed that I had to fight it out and found myself up til 4 in the morning and still no resolution. So I would have to agree with Alice! ?
I bet Alice
would have advised
“Sleep on it”
Susan, Thank you for this gift of a poem. It is a mirror for me. A night of rest will cure a range of (marriage) ailments! Bravo!
Scott, hi again. My Creative Writers thought it was so cool that we all write together and some were hoping that I shared their “bad advice” poem with all of you, so I hope you don’t mind if I share some below. 🙂
walk out of a best buy without paying
The greeter can not legally stop you.
Do take the $1000 tv from walmart
Just go to the self check out and label it as bananas
Do eat at KFC
they’ll make your order correctly
I promise
Do light the fireworks at the grocery store
Give them a show.
Yell Fire in the movie theater
It’d make a great prank video
DO NOT USE YOUR TURN SIGNAL
Ever.
–Roark A
How To Have a Good Day:
Don’t bother making eye contact;
You never know what could happen.
Don’t talk to anyone, unless they
talk to you first;
You never know what could happen.
Never ask for help, as to appear confident
But never answer any questions with confidence either;
What if you were to give the wrong advice, and the
facade falls apart?
You never know what could happen.
Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to
step out of the label you’ve been given.
You never know what could happen.
Never be yourself.
Never take the mask off.
Never step out of your comfort zone.
Never make an effort.
Never show anyone your true feelings;
You never know what could happen.
–Emily E
Wake up and smell the fresh morning air
Spill your hot coffee on your white shirt
Take a few deep breaths and know its not the end of the world
Take a test and guess B for every answer
Try your best every time
Pants your boss at work to get a few laughs
Respect the adults in your life
Go home and trip up the stairs
Everybody makes mistakes, you’re not alone
Go to bed with damp socks on
Who cares what everybody else thinks
Go to bed and do it all again
–Abby F
Are you missing something?
Are you a cake without a slice?
I’ll fix your fickle frame of mind with some far-fetched advice.
If ever it be so that you found you’ve lost your way
To ensure you conserve water, drink your whole stash right away.
Should a monkey come to hunker in your quaint abode
You must be certain that your curtain rods are up to code.
If you invest in vests and you detest the taste of veal.
Bake the monkey in a meatloaf for a quick and easy meal.
Although, monkey meat is tough so take some time to tenderize.
But enough about the monkey. I have more things to apprise.
When an acrobat with bat in hand provokes you to contention,
Tell them that they’re fired and they won’t receive their pension.
Be it so that clouded clouds cloud crowds from proudly crowding,
Just plug in a fan and let the crowd get back to shouting…
–Will O
Wendy, thank you for sharing your students’ poems with “bad advice.” I love their witty expressiveness!
Wendy, this is great! I’m so glad that your students enjoyed the prompt! These offerings are fantastic (and all in different ways)! So many of Roark’s lines ring true. I smiled throughout his poem. I especially liked the speaker’s nonchalance. Go ahead take the tv, they can’t stop you, or, just, maybe, ring it up as bananas. Oh, and “Do light the fireworks at the grocery store. / Give them a show.” Emily’s quiet insistence of “You never know what could happen” is an excellent retrain to her message that begs the reader to do the opposite of the advice that is being doled out. And Abby’s poem sparkles in the inevitability — and acceptance — of daily annoyances: spill that coffee, go ahead, you’re going to do it anyways, and fall up the stairs today, you’ll do it again tomorrow, too. And Will? Just look at that play of language: “If you invest in vests and detest the taste of veal / Bake the monkey in a meatloaf for a quick and easy meal.” So so good!
Wendy, you’ve offered the most compelling evidence of the value of this group. Student writing. Yes, the prompts work well for us, the teachers, but Sarah began this group as a place to share with our colleges in the classroom. You’ve shown us that the prompts make sense to you, often are easy to adapt right away, and you show us the evidence by posting the poems your students have written. Thanks for the confirmation.
Please let Roark know he game me some good/no bad advice in these lines:
walk out of a best buy without paying
The greeter can not legally stop you.
Do take the $1000 tv from walmart
Just go to the self check out and label it as bananas
We have to remember the assignment is “bad advice!” Cool!
Wendy–these are great. thanks for sharaing!
Your writers were definitely being creative – and are much more flexible of mind than I was able to be. Lots of fun advice here. I particularly liked Emily’s –
Wendy,
These students poems are amazing! My favorite lines:
“Yell Fire in the movie theater”
“Take a test and guess B for every answer”
“DO NOT USE YOUR TURN SIGNAL
Ever.”
Scott, I appreciate your time and prompt today. I wanted to make this more Shakespearean, but I just couldn’t find the bard in me so I went with the catalog approach.
Perfect Advice for a Short Life
play with matches,
preferably bathed in gasoline,
ignite fireworks off your head
accept candy, cocktails, drugs from strangers
never fear consequences
embrace every moment through a liquor induced haze
be the life of every party
have indiscriminate sex
borrow, cheat and steal
especially from friends,
and when they confront you, lie
lie, lie, lie, lie, lie
walk at midnight dressed in black
press the pedal to the metal,
weave through traffic,
and leave children unattended
Barb Edler
19 October 2022
Barb,
I cackled through this. It’s hilarious, and some of these sound like lots of fun. ? When I was a kid we lit and threw bottle rockets at one another, played in old cars, and hid in abandoned refrigerators. We also played on chat piles in what is now one of the largest super-fund sites in the country. Good times!
That makes you a “pro” at giving bad advice, Barb! 🙂
I smiled while reading your entire poem.
This one got me going right at first with “play with matches!” The poem is such a humorous and clever reminder of the things we need not do. Thanks.
Barb, your poem is so good it’s scary!!!! So, I guess that’s evidence that you fulfilled the assignment. Thanks, I guest. 🙂
Your poem sounds like so many of the movies out today! Good thing most move through the scenes you describe and show the consequence of such behavior. Whew!!!
I started grinning at this line, and never stopped. YOu excel at horrible advice, my friend!!
“play with matches,
preferably bathed in gasoline,
ignite fireworks off your head”
Barb, such great bad advice! That indiscriminate sex part……right there smack in the middle of the poem! I love how you turned up the notch of bad advice to terrible advice…it works beautifully here!
LOL. Yep, this is, indeed, a “catalog” of bad advice. And, Barb, I do think it is quite Shakespearean in its tragic scope! I loved the lines “play with matches, / preferably bathed in gasoline” and “borrow, cheat and steal / especially from friends.” So funny!
These are definitely ideas for a short life! Yikes. Parents of teenagers are getting the chills, just reading each of these. I think I am most amused by
Barb —
This had me laughing out loud …
“borrow, cheat and steal
especially from friends,
and when they confront you, lie
lie, lie, lie, lie, lie”
Barb,
Some of your readers read this through a humorous lens. I read it through a lens of sorrow. Your poem (weave through traffic and leave children unattended) burned in my heart.
I used this prompt with my Creative Writing club today. It was such fun! Along with my poem, I’ll post one of my students’ poems I especially enjoyed!
Advice for the Tough Man
by Allison Berryhill
Fight for that
parking space.
Interrupt to
make your
point.
Let that door
slam shut
on the woman
pushing a
walker–
“Excuse me”
is for the weak.
“I beg your pardon”
for the weaker.
Better
to blast
through
mistakes
unforgiven
than show
fragility.
Deny.
Lie.
Get by.
Don’t cry.
And
you will
be
a
tough
man.
—————-
My student’s poem:
Advice to the Dater
If you’re thinking of dating, go with the most attractive one you can find. Everyone knows that they have the best personalities. And if you think you shouldn’t get married, then you probably should. Cold feet is the best way to know you love somebody. Another thing you should know is that all women love a partner that screams. If you want your girlfriend to marry you, all you have to do is yell! Some say that it’s “Love at first sight,” but I call bologna! It’s a million times more likely that she’s using you for your money (even though she makes more than you), and she’ll leave you in the dust as soon as you propose. And don’t even think about waiting to ask! If you wait, you’ll never get married anyway! And for the love of all things holy, sleep in separate bedrooms! Freakin’ heck…
Allison, I LOVED your poem. Biting and incisive: sad that I know people who follow this advice.
i also loved your student’s prose poem with wisdom beyond their years…
Allison, I enjoy the humor in both these pieces. I think you have the same guy in mind. I am always amazed by the bad behavior demonstrated by mankind and you and your student brilliantly depict bad “manly” behavior. Thanks for the laughs!
Allison,
Im giving g both poems a standing ovation. That lady line of your student’s poem made me think of my grandparents who had separate bedrooms. Bravo ?!
Ugh. Your poem is brilliant, Allison! (The “ugh” was not for the crafting but for the content — you’ve painted such a true depiction of every Bro Dude on tv and social media (and sadly in real life, too).) And I also enjoyed immensely the advice in your student’s poem, especially the “all women love a partner that screams” advice and the “for the love of all things holy, sleep in separate bedrooms” advice! (I’m glad your Creative Writing club enjoyed the prompt. Thanks for sharing it!)
Allison–I have known the folks that followed your advice and taught their unfortunate children. Your ideas are all too true, unfortunately. And your student’s advice was really mature! Excellent–pass on our compliments to them!
Both ladies speak wisdom of knowing the truth. Ha….for the love of all things holy. I love that, AND that this student knows that women can (and often do) make more money.
Alison, your topic and your poem are fantastic! Such sound and accurate advice for every tough man. Your student’s is hysterical, too – oh my. Loved the emphatic exclamation point on this line – “If you want your girlfriend to marry you, all you have to do is yell!”
Allison — Your poem paints a picture of too many people in this world today. Especially
these lines: “Fight for that/parking space./Interrupt to/make your/point.”
Your students poem was brilliant, too.
Just Put it Off
Missed a day at work for an emergency and the books are piling up?
Let it be!
Missed a half day for the dentist a few days later?
Let it be!
You’re part-time — what do they expect?
Now it’s the day of the cross country conference meet
and another half day off.
The books just keep piling up
The teachers want to reschedule the time you missed their class.
Let it be!
You can only do so much in two or three days anyway.
But —
You miss the kids, you want to get the books in new hands.
So, forget all that advice and focus on this —
You’re only there two or three days a week.
Do your best with the time you have.
Jennifer Kowaczek October 2022
Scott, thank you for your humor! And thank you for this prompt; the task was not as easy to accomplish as I thought it would be and I’m not sure if I really hit the nail on the head with this offering, but it was helpful — as I was writing, some of the pressure I didn’t quite know I was feeling emerged. By the end of this poem, I found I was giving myself grace.
It’s hard as a teacher to be out, even more so when the reasons aren’t planned. When your school district doesn’t recognize the benefit of a full time librarian and missing a day means not seeing those kids for another month because you just can’t fit them in to an already packed schedule, it get disheartening.
So, Scott, thank you for unintentionally giving me an outlet to find grace for myself.
Jennifer, I love how you afterword and poem show the ability to process a difficult situation through writing. Hope you are able to catch up to take the pressure off yourself. Sounds like you’ve had a lot on your plate!
Jennifer, this is great! (And, yes, please, it’s hard, I know, but, continue to afford yourself grace. You deserve it.) I’m glad writing today helped you to come to the realization at the end of your poem: “Do your best with the time you have.” That seems to me to be pretty great advice! Thank you for taking the time for yourself (and us) by writing and sharing today!
I was nodding my head at the first “Let it be.” and kept a steady beat of nods right along with you here, Jennifer. I think we teachers really put a lot on ourselves to “be” there in every moment of every day for our students, the pace of a school year is so frenetic, it’s like we really don’t have time for our own lives (or our own lives are only 100% the job). When you think about it, it really is ridiculously demanding – both extrinsically and intrinsically. “Let it be!” seems to be almost the new anthem – right along with “Quiet Quitting” and other labor movements of workers hitting a reset button on what are fair expectations. “Do your best with the time you have.” really is all we can do. I’m glad this was a good outlet for you. I’m marching right beside you on this one!
Instructions on Loving Your Students
More than the homemade birthday cupcakes
made for each students’ special day, more than
the endless supply of pencils for kids who forget,
more than four thousand books for students
to read, it’s the personalized handshakes that
really get to me. You gotta stop. Wait! Maybe
that’s not it—it’s not. More than the praise scribed
on a sticky note, refusing to taint the poem’s white
space, more than the slip of a tiny deodorant to ease
the post PE tang, more than the open mic’s
twinkle lights and sweet peer compliments –if
if there is one thing I can offer you, dear teacher,
it’s, it is, to resist the patient exhale of three words.
Do not let the utterance or even the intention dance
over and around and through even a single one
of them. Okay. Maybe it’d be alright. Go ahead. Try
Say I love you to your students, and see what happens.
But at least do it from the comfort of your desk, far,
far away from those little pumpkins of joy.
Okay, so this was so hard to keep the tone and meaning throughout. I am not sure if I gave bad advice or good advice, but thanks for the exercise, Scott.
Sarah, your poem is rich with relatable school moments. Love the sticky note and open mic details. Adored “pumpkins of joy” and “resist the patient exhale of three words”. Your poem radiates the power of love and acceptance I think more than bad advice which I appreciate.
Sarah,
I think you commingled the bad w/ the good. I’m grateful IG was not a thang until the end of my career because I’d be doomed by the secret handshake! And I can’t count the number of times I said “I love you” to students. Oh well, too late to undo the damage now.
Sarah, I know, right? This was not easy giving out purely “bad advice.” (I couldn’t even do it in my mentor poem. Lol.) And I loved seeing the struggle in your speaker’s voice — and, ultimately (probably), in your own as poet as evidenced in your post-poem note. (Side note: I’m not sure how I feel about just having used the word “evidenced,” but I’m going to try and avoid making this “comment” about me. So, moving on.) I loved the hesitation: “that’s not it–it’s not” and “it’s, it is” and “Okay. Maybe it’d be alright. Go ahead. Try.” The waffling back and forth of the “true” message/advice of the poem — saying the words I love you — actually vocalizing it to (or, maybe, just about) your students is, as you mentioned, good (or maybe bad) advice. I’m not sure either. (The one thing I am sure about, though, is I really didn’t like using the word “evidenced” in my previous sentence.) Thank you, as always, for writing and sharing!
That’s great advice! So many need to hear it – -because they need to know they’re loved! The pumpkins of joy – – wow, and twinkle lights on the mic??? You say I love you by all the ways you care…..you show them too!
Sarah, I loved this so much!!
Appreciate the humor, Scott. Need a million times more of that in my daily doings. This invites SO many possibilities, and I am looking forward to trying this one with my students! I think they’ll have a lot of fun with it. Alas, I got this thought stuck in my head, so here it is.
Who Says That?
Live each day as though it was your last.
I can’t imagine worse advice.
No repercussions. No accountability.
Murder. Mayhem. Pillage. Plunder.
Reckless abandonment.
No concern for others.
Seems like enough people already subscribe.
Maybe instead, the advice and tense should be reversed.
Life each day as though it is your first.
LIVE each day, dangit.
Denise, I love your shift in thinking here. Great commonly-heard advice that may actually not be the best. Yes, I would drain my bank account if I honestly thought each day was my last, booking tickets to who knows where for a fabulous vacation.
Denise!
After just having written my poem for today, I am wondering about you and the other poets here about how it felt to write today. Such a shift. Such a stance is required as writer and reader. And then I arrived at your final line, lovely closure to mirror the italics of the first, and I see that you are still offering such wisdom and not bad advice at all! I call this a successful bad advice poem. I will live my class tonight as though it were my first and see how that goes!
Peace,
Sarah
Also, so appreciate your attentive, careful reading of our hearts and minds, Denise, as a host this month.
Denise, I am with you on this! It reminds me of — and also irks me to no end — when people say “___ was the best day of my life.” Graduating, weddings, birth of a child, yes, absolutely, all good days….but “the best.” What about tomorrow? And the next day? Please don’t tell me that high school (or college) is the best years of my life…’cause I’m still gonna be living after that…Thank you for giving us an alternative to this “Live each day as though it were your last” business!
Denise, this is a fantastic point of view! We all need to start thinking this way.
Thank you.
Denise, yes, “Seems like enough people already subscribe.” The question is why? I’m so frustrated by the “No concern for others” and “Reckless abandonment”. I love your title, too!
Denise,
I love the turn of phrase!
This is actually wise advice. I love the way you reversed the first and last lines. It is so true that many people follow this advice of no accountability and no concern. Sad times.
Scott–I just wish I had read your poem before I met that lemur. You are so right!!! They lack any sense of honor. (Great poem–great prompt!!)
Bad Advice for the New Middle School Teacher
Begin the year with a note to each parent
letting them know where their child needs improvement.
It is important to acknowledge deficits in order to set goals.
Expect the same level of accomplishment
from every student.
They are all in the same grade,
so they all know the same things.
Assume that every student has a good home.
If they do not have a good home,
they should leave those problems
outside the classroom.
Never apologize.
It shows weakness.
Expect every assignment to be turned in on time,
with the student’s name written legibly at the top.
Yell loudly and often
in order to build respect
Give only verbal instructions.
They just need to pay attention.
Blame the previous grade’s teachers
for any problems you see.
If your children are young,
be critical of every stupid thing you see,
because“ your child will never do that!!”.**
Believe that you always know what is best.
Do not ask anyone for advice.
**(If you follow no other rule, please follow this one.
It provides humility later in life,
and you will be better off
for the embarrassment.)
GJS 10/19/22
Gayle, loved this. Made me smile with each iteration of myself I recognized. 🙂
Preservice teachers need to read this and write a response poem with the GOOD advice!
I am going to share this poem in my class of students who are student teaching right now! Is that okay, Gayle?
Of course! I am honored!
Gayle, this is a fantastic poem!
Thank you.
Gayle,
This is brilliant! You could build an entire curriculum on the negative lessons in this bad advice. I sure witnessed the antitheses in the 3rd grade class I subbed in today. We’ll done!
This is perfect, Gayle! I’ve taught alongside (far too many) colleagues over the years who (sadly) adhered to some of these “rules.” “Yell loudly and often / in order to build respect / Give only verbal instructions. / They just need to pay attention. / Blame the previous grade’s teachers / for any problems you see.” Yep. Each and every one of those. You nailed it!
This is a perfect list. I am sad to say I have followed some of this advise and regretted it. I have noticed in some college professors that they often follow your advice and I think it is because they do not take training in how to teach and have never parented.
“Expect the same level of accomplishment
from every student.
They are all in the same grade,
so they all know the same things.”
or they have forgotten or didn’t enjoy it and that is why they get their doctorates and become professors…
Scott! I seriously can’t thank you enough for this morning’s prompt. Busy-ness has kept me away until the last day during our October Open Write, but today I shared your prompt with my Creative Writing class…and here we are. You might see some poems by them appear here, too, today.
I have a student teacher this year, and below is my “bad advice” poem to her. 🙂
To Maggie
Don’t waste your time
greeting kids at the door.
You could be using that time:
Set up the room.
Fiddle at your laptop.
Whatever you do, don’t make eye contact,
for God’s sake:
That could invite an ocean
of personal info
that you do not need.
Misremember people’s names.
Confuse one kid with another.
That will cement
your indifference,
ensuring that you avoid
open hearts
and the pain of personal
relationships.
And don’t talk personal:
You don’t want to care
about their dogs, cats,
mean stepmothers, absent siblings, or pet rats.
Ignorance makes it
much easier to go home
at precisely three o’clock
with no weight.
Wendy–we are certainly on the same page here! Between your advice and mine, no teacher will ever have a problem! and we were simultaneously crafting these gems, I think!
I know, when I read yours, I thought it was so funny that we posted them at almost the same time! XD
Ouch. This paired with Wendy’s…so much bad advice!
Wendy, I legit LOLed (I guess that’s how we spell that…LedOL just looks weird). This is such bad advice! One of my favorite “pearls of wisdom” is, “Whatever you do, don’t make eye contact, / for God’s sake: / That could invite an ocean / of personal info / that you do not need.” I remember “back in the day” when I started, I came across the advice of “never smile before Christmas.” Wait, what? Really? Such strange advice. (Thank you for this!)
Wendy,
I love the way your poem actually challenges so much of what I was taught during my student teacher year. I’m from the “don’t smile before December” generation. That was exhausting.
Wendy, I love it all, but especially this:
Misremember people’s names.
Confuse one kid with another.
Misremember 🙂 – I love that word instead of forget.
Scott, I tried! Really! 🙂
REALLY?
Never say, “Never!”
Well maybe not never
Just be careful when you do.
Always be first!
Well, maybe not the first to do something wrong.
Refuse to be kind; folks won’t mind
Unless you find that they do.
Don’t worry about the Golden Rule
Only a fool would believe it’s true
Until they experience it, like at school.
Don’t worry about teaching well
If you do, your head may swell.
Heck, just do your best and leave the rest
To those who believe this poem.
“Heck, just do your best and leave the rest”–if only every teacher–no, every PERSON could follow this nugget, Anna.
Anna, too funny! Love the last stanza, and I love your organization of the stanzas into the advice…and then the “except”s…great poem!
Three great teaching poems in a row! And you RHYMED!! Well done!
Anna, I love the undercutting after every bit of “advice”: “Never say, ‘Never!’ / Well maybe not never” and “Always be first! / Well, maybe not the first to do something wrong.” This is how it works, right? “This thing is ‘true’!…until it’s not.” And I love “the message” at the end: “just do your best.” Thank you! 🙂
clothe your$elf
in currency
& happine$$
will magnetize
toward you
credit i$
free money
ju$t $can it
life in$urance
not worth bread
and honey
tender-ize your
po$$e$$ion$ with
label$
and trend$
ju$t rent
let your debt
dangle from a chain you
wear everyday
the dough will
follow if you follow
your pa$$ion
capital over cou$in$
your coin is king
——–
Scott, thank you for this enjoyable and unique prompt.
Ooooohhhh! Very creative and clever use of the $. I like the angle you take with the topic, too. It brings in a bright perspective for being helpful advice even though it is “bad advice.” Thank you for sharing your words and talent today.
Agree about the $$!!
Stefani, this had “the vibe” of those self-help emails that clog up our spam folders (or break through if the tech folks are “fixing” our email filters)! “[Y]our coin is king” is, it seems at times, what my students believe — or at least want to believe — because that’s what social media tells them. Thanks for writing and sharing this today!
Stefani,
The visual presentation of your poem is brilliant. I can see this in a publication. What a wonderful commentary on materialism!
Stefani,
This is so skillful! Not only is the message perfect, but subbing in the dollar signs for this Ss just adds to its brilliance.
I love the visual $ and the puns (dough, coin) – – amusing and true bad advice all at the same time.
Scott, LOL! Fun prompt. Honestly, this popped into my head. Sorry/not sorry! ?
Gorge
eat junk food
stuff your pie hole
full of chips
cookies
cakes
& crudités;
make each meal a
24 hour feast
fit for kings or that
ketchup-throwing
diet coke swilling
orange comb-over
spray-on tan
infamous florida man;
make gold-gilded
gluttony your goal;
tap into your
inner jaba &
jam golden arches
big macs
french fries
shakes &
chocolate cake
down your gullet;
clog your
waste management
system with
everything you can
bite off & more;
transform your
body into a
metaphorical
sh*t hole toxic
super-fund site.
—GlendaFunk
October 19, 2021
Ahh Glenda, this is so witty…your last five lines are my favorite–a final punch to the gut. Thank you for sharing today!
Glenda, wow, what word choice! My goodness. I had to read it twice to appreciate it. I feel it has an important metaphorical message for our country’s consumption of media too.
Glenda, I loooooved this one! The imagery! Your tone just busts through.
BOOM!
Glenda, I had such fun reading this! Such alliteration from “chips / cookies / cakes / & crudités” to “make gold-gilded / gluttony your goal”! And that long list — “ketchup-throwing / diet coke swilling / orange comb-over / spray-on tan / infamous florida man” — is so spot-on! Thanks for this!
The humor, the sound devices, the word choice! You are a master, Glenda.
Whoosh! Oh, for a day when calories don’t count and we don’t reap the consequences of gluttony. This made me chuckle……this advice could really be for me. Like seriously. I can eat some trash foods!
Kim, I laughed out loud at your comment! 🙂 “Like seriously. I can eat some trash foods!” Lol.
Oh my goodness, this is so awesome, Glenda! So so awesome. What’s my favorite part? I don’t know. I loved it all.
You are so encouraging! May he heed your advice.
Oh my gosh, I am laughing so hard, I’m practically peeing my pants. I especially enjoyed stuff your pie hole and your closing lines are a complete hoot! Brilliant!
What fun! And surprisingly hard to give bad advice without weaving in some good advice, too! The spoon really happened, as did the jaywalking and the haircut (Dorothy Hamill in the 70’s anyone?). Any mistakes on my taxes have been unintentional!
All. The. Time.
Go ahead.
Leave the spoon in your tea mug
when you warm up the dregs
in the microwave.
You might get away with it.
No alarms.
No flashes or smoke or flames.
The spoon won’t melt.
Your tea won’t be poisoned.
But that doesn’t mean you should try
jaywalking on High Street or
cheating a little bit on your taxes or
getting your hair cut like a celebrity’s.
Just because this one time
the Universe ignores the fact
that you don’t have a hall pass
doesn’t mean you’re free
to stop paying attention
all
the
time.
Mary,
I always love when poems have exact locations (High Street), somehow this draws my curiosity even deeper. We would love to see a pic of your Hamill haircut:) Thank you for sharing today.
Mary Lee, what a fun take on the prompt. I would love to sit with you over a cup of unpoisoned tea and hear your stories of jaywalking and your Dorothy Hamill haircut!
Mary Lee, you had me at the first image.
And the last 8 lines. <3
Loved how it started lighter…then went heavy at the end.
Great poem.
Thank you for this, Mary (or is it Mary Lee…which do you prefer?)! I love the recognition that “you” might get away with something once…but it doesn’t give “you” free license for everything else. And I love that you took something that actually happened and crafted a poem (with, ultimately, very wise words!) out of it. (Oh, and I love that metaphor at the end: “the Universe ignores the fact / that you don’t have a hall pass.” So good!)
I might try to sneak the spoon in, but jaywalking? I can’t even make it down a flight of stairs lately without breaking something…..I do have to pay attention all.the.time……ageless grace was a hope, but I’ve run out of hall passes. This is clever and great advice. Love your advice tone, too – -like you are really talking to us in the here and now.
I remember the Hamill camel-! Ah, the dangers of sidestepping the Universe. I cannot believe there were no sparks with the spoon; I ruined a gold-rimmed coffee cup in the microwave once, not paying attention…a delight of a poem, with its flow, perfect line breaks, and truths.
Thanks to ALL our hosts this week – Anna, Carolina, Denise, and Scott. You have inspired us and stretched us as writers. This group is a blessing.
Scott, are you related in any way to Billy Collins? I read his poetry and read yours and love both so much. What a fabulous prompt, with chuckles and truth. Your poetic license is wide, your creativity is boundless, and your talent is, as always, inspiring. Thanks to Anna, Denise, and you for hosting us this week!
Lukewarm Advice From 0,0
Never
believe
anything
is
as you think
it
is.
Kim, this reminds me of the advice my MIL gave me when our oldest was born (children will make a liar out of you every time). I thought it so strange but quickly realized that what I said my kids’ would never do, they did. Darn that truth! Love the punch of those single words on lines too.
Kim, this is THE. TRUTH. How you convey so much in so few words is a continual marvel to me!
I was thinking the very same thing. Kim is very talented in using few words to say so much.
Kim, this is so not “lukewarm” advice: this is fire as the kids say. (To be honest, though, I’m not sure if they still say that…) I love how direct and succinct this bit of wisdom is! You have such a wonderful way of cutting to the quick of the matter in your poetry. (Now, I know they still use that phrase.) This is so good! (And thank you for the kind words! 🙂 )
Yup. #truth. I borrowed your single word lines for my poem. Thanks!
Words of wisdom elegantly delivered. Thanks for the reminder this morning, Kim. 🙂
Kim,
“Objects in mirrors are closer than they appear” was my first thought while reading your poem. Occam’s Razor was my second thought. Love the brevity and the message.
Oh, Scott – your poem is exactly what I needed today! The hilarious Lion King allusions, the wordplay with “congress,” the mock-serious tone…delightful from start to finish. Too much fun. Or should I say so very punny. What a great creative invitation – thank you!!
I am sure the season (among other things) influenced my imagery here…
How to Manage a Skeleton
When sitting with a skeleton
it is best to remind him (?)
it is his own fault
he has no flesh
unless, of course,
you fail to recognize
a skeleton in the first place
(it’s possible
even probable
despite the garish array
of teeth
and the empty sockets
and all those ribs
gleaming white)
you might go so far
as to remind the skeleton
to keep a stiff upper lip
(although ‘twill do
little good
when one
has no lips
no more)
better yet to focus
all your time, energy,
and efforts with the skeleton
in pointing out the priority
of having a backbone
over having a heart
by all means,
continue extracting
your pound of flesh
ignoring, of course,
the feeble rattling
and wind whistling
through the bones
—this does not matter
in the slightest
when the spirit
is long gone.
Fran, you prove again and again that even in humor, your message is strong. Having a backbone holds it all together for this un-spirited skeleton. Perfect for October – – or anytime!
Fran, what a perfect choice for this cold, dark, blustery, rainy, approaching Halloween day! Love the advice choices to play against the skeleton.
Fran, this is poetically lovely in so many ways! I love your parentheticals throughout — even the “(?)” after “him” — and the resounding message of you can do all of this but it “does not matter / in the slightest / when the spirit / is long gone.” (And this is not even to mention the joy I get with telling a skeleton “to keep a stiff upper lip” and “the priority / of having a backbone / over having a heart.”) What a fun (and clever) poem for this late October morning!
Fran – This is a genius poem in response to Scott’s terrific prompt and mentor poem. The skeleton is just chocked full of “meaty” images. I love every one of them. The “stiff upper lip” n my are me laugh out loud… the “pound of flesh” , so witty. The wind through the bones is my fave! Great poem to launch my day…. Especially since my bones were sawed on 6 weeks ago (knee replacement) and I feel the wind biting straight through my knee every morning as a grind through PT. Dem bones gonna rise again… eventually! LOL! Susie
The stiff upper lip line almost made me spit my tea! This is such a great combination of humor and seriousness!
Fran, how fun is this!!!! I really like your use of punctuation, too. It’s just where it needs to be when it needs to be there.
I’m so envious if the humor you deftly weaved throughout this poem, Fran.
Hahahahaha! I have to share the first few lines of your poem with one of my kiddos that just sent me a photo of a lemur. I love a good bad advice poem. It’s fun and funny–exactly what I need when a giggle is called for. I’m off to draft. Thanks for the prompt!
Scott, what a way to start a morning! Your writing always brings a smile. I’m on my way to kiss a lemur now (or at the very least our dog who’s always ready for kisses).
Go
Jump off that cliff
Every one else is doing it
Why not you too?
Take the leap
Plunge ceremoniously
Grandiosely
Majestically
Make it a swan dive
Worthy of a fanfare
(of the common man, perhaps,
Copeland will do)
I’ve heard John Williams has a good one
Something to do with the Olympics,
Rather fitting for a dive
don’t you think?
Or aim for the stars
(John might have a little something suitable here too)
Grab the bull by the horns
A Texas woman just survived a goring
And filmed it for TikTok
You could too.
Jennifer, I’m going for the swan dive today, jumping hand in hand with one of those empty-gas-tank lemurs. Oh my goodness – this is the morning of poetry I needed! So many images swirling in my head this morning that I did not see coming before 7 a.m.! Thanks for the inspiration to take the plunge!
Jennifer, that majestic swan dive (off a cliff) later juxtaposed with the woman filming herself being gored by a bull… this is where we are as a civilization. An uncivilization. Anything for attention. Anything to outdo. “Vanity, vanity, all is vanity” wrote the author of Ecclesiastes…there really is nothing new under the sun. Your tone and flow are perfect, with the loveliest touches of wit and grace in all the right places against the sharp blade of truth regarding human folly.
Best bad advice EVER! And all the musical allusions!! Perfection.
Jennifer,
I feel like all of our poems should end with an invitation to post to social media…isn’t that what has made TikTok so popular:) Thank you for sharing today.
Jennifer, I’m smiling broadly throughout your entire poem. I just love the snark of this, the take on the “if so and so jumped off a bridge would you?”! I love the “go ahead!” and in fact there’s probably a soundtrack that could accompany it. And the end!! So funny (and terrible at the same time!)
Jennifer,
How witty! My favorite part is how you bring John Williams into it.